Remember back in 2017 when Jeff Bezos announced that Amazon was looking for a site for HQ2? Leaders all over the country began plugging their cities and towns as the perfect spots for such a development. Rochester, NY was no different. I was invited to participate with some other local writers and “idea people” to help produce a video that would persuade Mr. Bezos and his team to bring HQ2 to Western New York. The group was headed up by the CEO of a local startup and was not part of an official local-government pitch team. Still, I was honored to be included in this exciting project.
My demeanor changed from one of enthusiasm to one of confusion fairly quickly. It seemed the CEO was soon to be going on a vacation to climb a mountain in Antarctica, as CEOs of startups are wont to do. The “idea people” thought it would be brilliant to shoot some footage while he was there to use in the pitch video — perhaps he could “hand an Amazon box to a penguin” or shoot video of himself holding up a sign that read “Not Rochester” while he was engulfed in a blizzard.
I tentatively pointed out that neither of these things seemed to be promoting Rochester in any way. My interruption was met with dismissive comments and blank stares. Soon, they were back to laughing at their ideas of making Rochester weather jokes. Fine. If they wanted to shoot video of the CEO climbing a mountain on the bottom of the world, I’d give them something to work with.
The first (and only draft) of my script ticked a lot of boxes in promoting Rochester to the HQ2 search committee, while being humorous and allowing the CEO of a local startup to climb a mountain.
Amazon HQ2 Pitch Video — First Draft
OVERVIEW: “Since [the CEO] will be mountain climbing in Antarctica and the team wants to shoot video of him there to use in the Amazon HQ2 pitch, I suggest [the CEO] play the part of Jeff Bezos. (He can simply wear a jacket with a hood all the time, so we never see his face.) Basically, we’d want shots of: him talking to people (and penguins) like he’s asking for directions, people pointing as if giving directions, him and others looking at maps, etc., as well as shots of base camp and long shots of him walking with the mountain in front of him or actually climbing – preferably a bunch of different ones. No sound is required for any of this. (The actual interaction scenes can be shot in Rochester.) The whole thing would be about a minute long.”
CONCEPT: Jeff Bezos is going to seek out a mountaintop guru to find out what city he should pick for the new Amazon HQ2.
The Mountaintop
By Scott Seifritz
© 2017
[Open with various shots of Jeff Bezos asking directions from various people (and penguins). Cut to a long shot of Jeff walking up/climbing a mountain.]
[Cut to shot of Jeff arriving at the guru’s shack. He knocks on the door. The guru opens the door partway.]
JEFF
Oh, great guru I have a very important decision to make that will affect the lives of many people! For that reason, I’ve come thousands of miles to seek your advice. But first, I have to know… is it true I must make a separate trip up the mountain for each question I want to ask?
GURU
That is correct.
JEFF
Ok then…
(Guru shuts the door.)
JEFF
(Yelling)
Sonofa…!
[Cut to long shot of Jeff walking up the mountain. Cut to shot of him reaching the door and knocking. The Guru answers.]
JEFF
OK, so I have this big decision to make, and I come seeking your advice. Where should the new Amazon headquarters be built?
GURU
You already know that answer, my son.
JEFF
But…
(Guru shuts the door.)
JEFF (CONT’D)
Dammit!
[Cut to long shot of Jeff walking up the mountain. Cut to shot of him reaching the door and knocking. The Guru answers.]
JEFF
Is it DC?
GURU
No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
GURU (CONT’D)
(From behind the door)
I moved here because of that traffic.
[Cut to long shot of Jeff walking up the mountain. Cut to shot of him reaching the door and knocking. The Guru answers.]
JEFF
New York City?
GURU
No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
GURU (CONT’D)
(From behind the door)
Where you gonna put it? Central Park?
[Cut to shot of Jeff reaching the door and knocking. The Guru answers.]
JEFF
It’s got to be San Francisco, right?
GURU
Wrong.
(Guru shuts the door.)
GURU (CONT’D)
(From behind the door)
Who can afford to live there?
[Cut to shot of Jeff reaching the door and knocking. The Guru answers.]
JEFF
Fresno?
GURU
No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
GURU (CONT’D)
(From behind the door)
You need a highly educated technical work force!
[Cut to shot of Jeff at the Guru’s open door.]
JEFF
Atlanta?
GURU
Hotlanta? No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
[A rapid succession of shots of Jeff asking questions and the Guru responding and shutting the door follows.]
JEFF
Pittsburgh?
GURU
No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
JEFF
St. Louis?
GURU
No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
JEFF
Stonecrest Georgia?
GURU
Where? No.
(Guru Shuts the door.)
JEFF
Toledo?
GURU
No.
(Guru shuts the door.)
JEFF
Montreal?
GURU
(In French accent)
Non!
(Guru shuts the door.)
[Cut to Long shot of Jeff walking up the mountain. Cut to shot of a weary Jeff reaching the guru’s door and knocking. The guru opens the door.]
JEFF
You’ve shot down every city I’ve suggested, yet you said I already knew the answer. I need a city that has a highly-educated, technical work force, where the cost of living – especially housing – is reasonable, and where there’s room to build. A city that has a great quality of life and possesses sound infrastructure with short commute times. A city free from natural disasters where our headquarters can easily stand for the next 50 years.
(He pauses for a moment as if it’s all coming clear to him)
Rochester, NY! Rochester, NY is the perfect place to build Amazon’s new headquarters isn’t it?
GURU
That is correct, my son. See you knew the answer the whole time.
JEFF
Thank you! Thank you!
(Pause)
Hey, do you think I could I use your bathroom?
(Guru shuts the door.)
[End.]