In those heady pre-Covid days, I was fortunate to be invited to participate in the 24-Hour Plays at Writers & Books. It worked like this: The playwrights, directors, and actors all met up around 8:00 pm on a Sunday. Each actor came with a random prop and outfit. They introduce themselves and pointed out any special traits they happened to possess (the ability to rap in Welsh, dance a jig, juggle a career and marriage, etc.). The playwrights took notes.
Around 9:00 pm, the actors left and the playwrights met with the producer and selected their actors through a process of bartering, begging, and ultimately making concessions. That completed, the playwrights then had until 5:00 am to each write a 10-minute play that incorporated their actors’ props and outfits. After that, the directors came in and read all the plays and fought over which play they would direct. This was followed by rehearsals and technical wizardry and then performances of all plays in front of a live audience at 7:00 pm.
In 2017, my actors were a woman dressed in a 60’s outfit but with a pair of shoes that easily could have been from the late 1800s and a man in a medieval outfit. The props were a giant hourglass and a hobbyhorse (the horse-head-on-a-stick variety).
By 2:00 am I had the play written. I did a read-through with one of the Writers & Books’ staff members and then spent the next hour or so punching it up, which was easy since I was fairly punchy by then. I turned in the finished script at 3:20 am, went home, and got very little much-needed sleep. I present to you…
No Encore
By Scott Seifritz
© 2017
Characters
Antoinette – A worldly (and other-worldly) guardian angel
Roger Billingsworth I – A pompous actor, a Lothario
ACT I
SCENE 1
SETTING: A small room with one chair and a small table on which there’s a large hourglass with the majority of sand on top.
AT RISE: Roger, dressed in a medieval outfit, is laying on the floor. Antoinette, wearing a 60’s dress and late 19th-century shoes, is standing nearby looking at him.
ROGER
(Groans and rubs his head)
What happened?
ANTOINETTE
Take your time getting up. It can be quite a shock.
(Roger slowly stands up.)
ROGER
I swear I was just performing Richard III on stage and now I awaken on a strange floor with a throbbing head.
(Pause)
That must have been some after-party.
(Roger looks Antoinette up and down.)
ROGER
(Slowly)
Did we…
ANTOINETTE
Did we what?
ROGER
You know. Did we…
ANTOINETTE
Make the beast with two backs? No.
(Roger begins to look at her lustily.)
ROGER
(In an overtly sexual way while undressing her with his eyes)
Well, how’d you like to try Richard III on for size?
ANTOINETTE
More like King Leer. I’ll pass, Shakespeare.
ROGER
As you like it.
(Beat)
See what I did there?
ANTOINETTE
I get it. You know the plays of the Bard.
(Roger rubs his head some more.)
ROGER
So, what show are you doing? Some 60’s musical revival? Let me guess… Hair?
ANTOINETTE
No…
ROGER
(Cutting her off)
Hairspray?
ANTOINETTE
No. I’m not…
ROGER
(Cutting her off)
Wait don’t tell me! I’m going to figure this out. I’ve performed in hundreds of productions. I know them all.
ANTOINETTE
I’m not…
ROGER
(Cutting her off again by holding his hand up)
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh! I wanna guess.
ANTOINETTE
Knock yourself out. Again. But just realize you don’t have a lot of time to waste.
(Motions to the hourglass)
ROGER
Fine. I give up. What show are you doing?
ANTOINETTE
I’m not doing a show. I’m not an actress. Well, not currently. I did play Gwendolen Fairfax on stage at the St. James in London once. Well, actually quite a few times.
ROGER
You were in the Importance of Being Earnest? When?
ANTOINETTE
1895.
(Lifting a foot)
I wore these very shoes on stage, and they were so comfortable, I kept them after the show’s run.
(Admiring her shoes)
They’ve held up surprisingly well.
ROGER
Very funny. By the way, they don’t really work with the dress. Perhaps you should take them off.
(Beat)
Or the dress.
ANTOINETTE
Nice try.
(Admiring her dress)
I was buried in this dress once. It was one of my favorites.
(Remembering)
1964. Trampled at a Beatles concert. They really managed to get that swept under the rug. They’ve apologized since. Well, John and George have.
ROGER
OK, lady, this is just…
ANTOINETTE
(Cutting him off)
Oh, I’m sorry. We haven’t been properly introduced.
(Sticking out her hand)
I’m Antoinette. You can call me Toni if you prefer.
ROGER
(Taking her hand)
And I’m…
ANTOINETTE
(Cutting him off)
Roger Billingsworth the First.
ROGER
(Pleased)
Ah, so you know me. Good. It’s refreshing to be around someone who appreciates the arts. These days, it seems I’m constantly meeting plebeians and rubes who think a stage version of some middling film set to music passes for theater. So, how many of my plays have you seen?
ANTOINETTE
Just one. Well, part of one. The one you were performing tonight when you fell off stage.
ROGER
What? Fell off stage? Is that why my head hurts so much? When did that happen?
ANTOINETTE
Let’s see; I believe you’d just said, “My horse, my horse, my kingdom for a horse,” and then wham! You stepped off stage and went head first into the orchestra pit.
(Beat)
Lucky this wasn’t a musical.
ROGER
What? Wait! Who’s on stage now? Is it my hack of an understudy Ryan? Good God! I have to get back there!
ANTOINETTE
Slow down. It’s not quite that easy.
ROGER
What do you mean? Have I been concussed? Is that why I’m in this strange room? Are you an EMT?
ANTOINETTE
No. I’m a guardian angel.
ROGER
What? Like one of those idiots who used to patrol New York City during the Koch years? Where’s your red beret?
ANTOINETTE
No. I’m an honest to goodness guardian angel. Like in kids’ books and Hallmark Channel movies.
ROGER
Well, if you’re a guardian angel, you suck at your job. Why didn’t you protect me? Why’d you let me fall?
ANTOINETTE
I said I’m a guardian angel. I didn’t say I was your guardian angel.
ROGER
What? Well where’s mine?
ANTOINETTE
She quit.
ROGER
What?
ANTOINETTE
Last week. She just walked out. Said she’d rather “be reincarnated as a dung beetle than spend another minute around such a pompous ass.” Her words, not mine.
ROGER
The nerve! Well good riddance!
ANTOINETTE
She wasn’t the first.
ROGER
What?
ANTOINETTE
I think she was the seventh. Maybe eighth. It’s hard to keep track.
ROGER
This is nonsense. This is a dream or something. I’m not dead.
ANTOINETTE
I never said you were. At least not yet.
ROGER
What’s that supposed to mean?
ANTOINETTE
You’re not dead yet. Do you see that hourglass there? When the sand runs out, you’ll either wake up back in your body on Earth or you’ll be dead, and you’ll stay here – well, not here here. I just mean not back among the living.
ROGER
That’s ridiculous.
ANTOINETTE
I know. An hourglass? Seriously? How about a digital stop watch or something? Everything is so overly dramatic up here.
ROGER
I don’t know what drugs you’re on lady, but perhaps you could get me some.
ANTOINETTE
Come here, I’ll show you. Look into the hourglass. What do you see?
ROGER
A lot of sand.
ANTOINETTE
Look closer.
ROGER
Fine. I see… what the? I see me laying in the orchestra pit at the theater! And there are people standing over me. There’s Ryan! He doesn’t look upset at all!
ANTOINETTE
Well, maybe that’s because you slept with his wife.
ROGER
How did you know that? How are you doing this?
ANTOINETTE
I’m not doing anything. The hourglass does it.
(Beat)
It also gets Netflix and HBO.
(Roger, obviously very confused, turns to look at Antoinette)
ANTOINETTE
I’m kidding. It just shows images from your life.
(Thoughtful pause)
So, I guess it’s more like Skin-a-max.
(Roger looking very concerned drops into the chair)
ROGER
So, what happens now?
ANTOINETTE
(Motioning off stage)
You see those two doors over there?
ROGER
(Looking off stage to where Antoinette is motioning)
Yeah?
ANTOINETTE
One leads to Heaven and one leads to Hell.
ROGER
(Horrified)
And I have to choose? How do I know which one to pick? This is insane!
ANTOINETTE
I’m just messing with you. One goes to a closet and the other one goes to the breakroom. But you should have seen the look on your face! I’m sorry. It just gets so dull up here sometimes.
ROGER
(Sighs with relief)
So where’s the actual exit?
ANTOINETE
Oh, there’s no exit.
ROGER
God lord, I’ve died and gone to a Sartre play.
ANTOINETTE
Now that’s funny! I was beginning to think you didn’t have a sense of humor. But seriously, we need to decide whether or not you’re going back to your life before the sand runs out.
(Looking at the hourglass)
And there’s not much time left.
ROGER
(Standing)
We’ll I’ve decided! I’m going back!
ANTOINETTE
It’s not that simple.
ROGER
Why not?
ANTOINETE
Well, there are a number of things we need to consider.
ROGER
Like what?
ANTOINETTE
Like if it makes sense for you to go back. And there are other things. For instance, if a lot of your past relatives want you to cross over, they’ll meet you here and tell you to head toward the light. That’s a very powerful thing. That alone can make your decision.
(They both look all around the room. Roger even does a complete 360.)
ANTOINETTE
Ok, so I guess we don’t have that to worry about.
(Roger looks down in thought, as if formulating a plan. He becomes very serious.)
ROGER
I wanna go back.
ANTOINETTE
But why Roger? Why do you want to go back?
ROGER
Well, there’s Ryan for one.
ANTOINETTE
You know, he’s really not that bad of an actor, Roger. I saw him in Groundhog Day, the Musical.
ROGER
I know. I know. It kills me to admit it, but he’s actually at least as good as me. Maybe better. And before long, he’ll be getting the roles that I used to get.
ANTOINETTE
So, you want to get back before you’re usurped by your understudy?
ROGER
No. I want to go back and apologize for sleeping with his wife.
ANTOINETTE
Wow, Roger! This near-death experience may be working for you.
ROGER
So, it’s near death? Meaning I’m going to live?
ANTOINETTE
Maybe. But I’m not totally convinced you should go back.
ROGER
Why not?
ANTOINETTE
Well, for one, you’re kind of a jerk to the people around you.
ROGER
I know. I hear the whispers. It’s just that… I used to be a big star! I used to audition with some of the biggest names on the Great White Way! And now…
(Hanging his head)
And now, I do community theater in Rochester, NY. Oh, how I’ve fallen. It’s made me bitter, and I’ve taken it out on those around me. But I see that now! You and your magical hourglass have made me realize how wrong I’ve been.
ANTOINETE
Really, Roger?
ROGER
Absolutely! I want go back and right my wrongs.
(Weeping)
I want to make everything right.
(With much remorse)
I want to be the man I know deep in my heart – in my very soul – I can be.
(Dropping to his knees and begging)
Please, oh, please… let me live.
(Antoinette reaches behind something and produces a hobby horse.)
ANTOINETTE
(Handing the horse to Roger)
Here.
ROGER
What’s this?
ANTOINETTE
A horse, King Richard.
ROGER
I get to leave?
ANTOINETTE
Head through the door on the left. You can exit through the breakroom. The show must go on!
ROGER
Thank you, Toni! Thank you! A thousand times, thank you!
(Roger turns to walk toward the door, and then turns back.)
ROGER (CONT’D.)
What made you decide to let me return?
ANTOINETTE
Your heart-felt remorse and willingness to change. Now go.
ROGER
I thought it might.
(Roger begins to exit the stage and stops at the door. He looks back at Antoinette.)
ROGER (CONT’D.)
(Smugly)
I hope you realize, I’m one of the greatest actors you’ll ever meet.
(Beat)
Ta-ta!
(Roger quickly exits.)
ANTOINETTE
I hope you realize, there’s no breakroom.
(Fade to black.)
(End of Play)